Discovery

Many years ago,  a good friend introduced me to an exercise, called “My Heart’s Desire”.  It is simple, really.  On a clean sheet of paper, list numbers from 1 to 15 down the right side of the page.   Next, write your heart’s desires, one-by-one, next to each number.  It is important to breathe and smile and to not listen to the rationale brain who comments on the desires (just an insider’s tip from my personal experience).  Just list them.  Once you are complete (whether you stop at 5 or expand the list to 21), look over the list.  Marvel at you – the expansive you.  And try looking over the list as if someone next to you, a virtual stranger, gave you the list.  What would you think then?  Likely, you would marvel, again — perhaps more — at the depth and breadth of the interests, passions and desires you saw on the simple piece of paper.

These are our drummers.  There isn’t one – there are many of them.  It is no wonder then, when life gets crazy and full  – and information comes at us from every direction – that the clear voice within gets overpowered.  It is easy to recognize the chatter that comes from the outside.  It is often hard to discern the chatter coming from the inside. 

This week, there was plenty of chatter and seeming craziness all around me.  Unexpected things were happening.  Dissident voices were peeling (through all of the channels).  My mind was making plans.  My emotions were osicllating faster than a conversion of sine waves.  In short, at every turn, I was jumping down the rabbit holes, running as fast as I could, and wondering where I was going.

“Stop.  Just Stop.” I heard myself saying.  “Can’t, won’t, shouldn’t, couldn’t”, my mind replied.  “Listen,  listen to the drummers”, said a quiet voice.  “What drummers?  I’m too busy to listen!”, was my reply.  Then, for a brief moment, there was silence.  

In that one breath of silence, I remembered that within me there is a knowing that connects all of the drummers.  It is the essence of me – that brings all the aspects of my life, joy, curiosity, experience, and dreams together.   I found that the cacophony of the drummers heralds the inner voice of my essence.

If you like, look again at the list.  Take the first 2 you listed and choose one.  Take the next 2 and choose one.  Continue going through the list.  Take a breath.  And starting at the top of the list again, take the first 2 you chose and choose one.  Take the next 2 and choose one.  Continue going through the list.  I imagine you see the pattern.  Continue going through the list – in each iteration – pairing and choosing – until you come to one desire. 

This is your essence and its wisdom in the moment.  It is the place that sees the connection between the drummers.  It is the place where the dissidence resolves itself into the perfect note – clear – known – heard.   

Since I have been listening this way, my list has changed.  And, my inner voice has gotten deeper, more clear.  I have come to rely on the wisdom that is with me here.  Even in the moments or the days when I don’t stop, I now know this wisdom is there, whether I listen or not.  And, in that knowing, I discover peace.

I’m back.  Not  that I had planned to be gone so long.  Life is like that – we make intentions (I am going to write on my blog every week) – then life happens. 

How often do we decide to do the “right” thing – turn in the “right” direction and go from there?  Sometimes this choice is spontaneous.  Other times, we research the options, think about what we want to do, and then choose.   Ah…. in my life, I have been well practiced at this.  Until….a friend told me “3 lefts make a right and if you don’t believe me, try it out.” 

I couldn’t help myself as I got up out of my chair and looked out the large window.  The sun was shining, the birds frolicking, and the day inviting me to join her.  I was ready to go outside, but I was curious with my friend’s challenge.  So, I turned a quarter turn to the “right”.  Wow, there was the bookcase with unread books beckoning me.  “Hmmmm, that is a nice option.”, I thought.  I did not fall prey to the books’ siren call as I returned to my starting place.  I had travelling to do.  So, I turned to the left, a quarter turn, once.  Hmmm…. there was the doorway to the kitchen, it could be time for tea.  At my friend’s beckoning, I took another quarter turn to the left, now I saw the couch.  Comfy I thought, a good nap and rest might be just what I need.  There was still the 3rd quarter turn to the left to make, and as I made my next move, voila, there I was, standing looking at the bookcase, again.   3 lefts do make a right – at each point along the way, I got to see more, understand the options that were possible, and choose any one I liked best, or a combination. 

As well as I know this story and remind myself of it, I forget it.  I forget that even though I see a possibility before me that I want to walk into, life still has her way of beckoning me to her and creating experiences that I could not have imagined.

What does this mean… really?  My “right turn” in writing this blog was to create structure and an intention to write each week to share life’s discovery.  I love to write.  I love to share.  And the time was to be gift of flowing experiences into understanding.  And, what happened?  Shortly after starting, I did not sit to write for a period of time. 

I could say that I “failed” on my intention.  I turned right, started down the path with determination and got distracted.  This is a view.  It is not the interpretation I have now, sitting, writing.  As I embarked on my blogging journey, life called me to her and asked me to be fully present.  I discovered again, the many blessings of family, friends and the world that are in my life.   I felt sheer joy of being alive, with both the fullness of my daily routine and the blessings of hanging out with my daughter, planning her wedding, sharing dinner with friends, and being fully present in the ritual of spring cleaning at home.  

In this writing silence, life has deepened, as I allowed myself to be fully present to what was in my day.  I felt the truth of going with the flow, of reminding myself that at the end of the day, there is no achievement plaque for finishing a task.  Life is about the fullness of being, creating, experiencing and feeling.  It is nice to be back.  I knew I would return.

                                  In-Between.

                           “I am in flight, again.”

I know this intimate space.  The realization happens in a flash and lights up my knowing that what I had become comfortable with in my life, doesn’t quite fit like it used to.  And, the feeling of possibilities have strengthened beyond dismissal, and remain possibilities…. not yet here.   

If I were a bird, it would be my release into flight, no longer perched in the tree.  If I were a peach, ripening on the tree, it would be the moment I released from the tree, fully ripe and full of nourishment.   If I were a caterpillar, it would be the moment I transformed into the butterfly.  

In-between is easy to miss or should I say, it is easy to resist.

How many times have I pulled and struggled to make the current, comfortable, known, work?  How many times have I pushed myself into a path to create the new, quickly.  Too many times to count.  Experience is a good teacher, when I am able to see it.  And yet, the awareness doesn’t make the in-between go away.  It does create a sense of peace when I chose the option to let go of the struggle and know I was born to fly.

My mother used to tell the story that when I was little, I was very shy – to the point that she wondered if I would ever leave the house.  It’s curious, isn’t it, how we get ideas in our head about others; who they are; and what we think they should be doing?   In fact, that is the easy part.  The harder part, at least for me, has been carrying around the ideas I have in my head about who I am and what I think I should be doing. 

If we don’t like what someone else is doing or if we think they should be doing something else, we can tell them and wait for a change or we can walk away and go home (or if we are home, we can go to another room or out for an errand). 

What do we do when it is ourselves?  Let’s see – there are many possibilities on my list and all of them, I have tried.  Here are just a few.  Talk to a friend who tells me all is okay.  Get a self-help book and declare that I am now changing myself into someone better.  Go on a diet.  Go for a walk or head to yoga class.  Begin writing.  Change jobs.  Go on vacation.  Think about moving.  Cook dinner.  Start a project to save the world.  Begin a blog. 

The journey of discovery for me has been learning about myself at a deep level.  It has been about becoming comfortable in my skin.  And, it has been about releasing the boundaries of who I thought I was and being the person, I am.  The journey has been a dance:  between partipating fully in the world, the extrovert and couragous adventurer and the quiet, shy one, seeking silence to go within, to be with my imagination and  artistry.  It has been re-aquainting myself with my intuition, connecting it with my intensity, and learning to trust the result. 

The shy one has turned into a woman who has a lot to share, but I am still a bit shy.  To date, I have only shared this blog link with two people, my younger brother, Charles, who shared what he had learned about blogs; and my daughter, Sarah.  But, as with most things, I am getting more comfortable writing to an audience that is in cyberspace.  That is true, but not entirely.  Underneath the doing and the blog channel, I am still getting comforable in my own skin, the writer, the sharer, and the journey-woman.  

This is the journey – real-time – unplugged.  Life expands and beckons us into her arms.  At first, we are excited for having the invitation and then, the possibilities that await us.  At some point, we do get to choose to take the first step and move the energy of excitement into the courage to begin, the commitment to keep going and the confidence to trust the path.